I have tried to commit to it but sometimes there are more important things in life other than "did you write your thoughts down today." Its not like anyone reads it and half the time its bad enough that i lived it once or it was too good that mediocre words can never describe the feeling. So how is this really different? Let's call it no expectations, if i make it a week great, if i remember to come back once a month ok, does this matter, not really so my conscience wont be guilty of another failed attempt at writing (not like i care either).
I have always liked the idea that if i write it all down now that in 3 years or whatever when XYZ finally come together it may be inspiring to someone and help them. Then laziness comes around or something much more important squeezes in. I have a real life, a day job and enough commitments/obligations/desires/complications that once the novelty has worn off this will only exist to waste space on someones server.
So as this will probably be my largest contribution, building the foundation, lets jump to it and quit blabbing.
*Brain moment: do i address this to someone, i mean i am writing like i will actually have a reader. Should i name them, be generic: to whom it may concern? To those who may be inspired, to the internet trolls, Dear Server who's space i am wasting, to future me, to the Dr. Who Mr potato head on my desk, yep i really am over thinking this. if brilliance strikes maybe i will address this later on.
Brief history (i want it to be short and sweet but yeah, watch this turn into a wall of text, i should really remove emotion from the history.)
Me- Nikki, Nini, wife, child of God, evil stepmother, loving mommy to 4-Legged Children, Believer and Caretaker, plus a lot more.
Age- 29, with 60 days to go till i am 30 (3/27)
Work- i love my job, not what i want to do forever but i am happy, need more time off for nonsense!
Marriage is great, i love my companion, i think i will keep him, 11 years together and 7 in marriage.
Children of my own? only in my heart and with God's plan (This is where a story begins, but not today your just getting the briefs.) Actively trying to conceive for 7 years, Multiple rounds of Clo-mid ~fall 2009 i think, and then injectables. stopped after they re-diagnosed the Uterine septum (was found before any drugs and then disappeared for what must have been 18 ultrasounds then came up the one before my HSG that clearly outlined it.)
Diagnosed medical Conditions: Just because they are diagnosed and there may be physical proof i do not have to accept these and so i do not.
- PCOS- Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, diagnosed in about 2004, inconsistent to no periods since 1999, but i never really had regular ones that is just the year i had like 2 or 3.
- Uterine Septum- Read the link, what they don't tell you is that the surgery is not covered by most insurance companies, and out of pocket it was an easy $20k
Height 5'4"
Weight- i Track it daily, not obsessively but for consistency. who wants to diet all week and weigh in on every friday and be disappointed because you only lost a small number, when so much is based on what you ate the day before or how much water you had. i can be 225 today and then 227 tomorrow and 224 the day after that. I write it down too in a little calendar, i have quite a few years of data which is nice, there are months i consistently do worse each year, hello march and April. It also helps me notice patterns.
Today's weight 226.6
Heaviest weight 235, November 2012
Lowest weight between then: November 2013 pre thanksgiving ~191 if i am correct, calendar not readily available.
When i got out of high school 2003, i think about 160
I got really sick once in early 2005 and weighed in at 175 after puking for a week.
First time i bought a scale, Jan/Feb 2007 came in around ~215
My Wedding day September 2007 ~193
*Not really any exercise, i dabbled a bit but nothing to really say i did. mostly a bit of starvation, i ate about 2out of 3 days and not much at all. No Carb of course.
The weight was all back pretty quick, not surprised.
Since 2007 it is always a roller coaster, up then down but only about 20lbs, 2012 was when i hit 230 for the first time. In 2011 i saw about 201, and then came terminal cancer for grandma in March that took us to CA for a week and there went that hard work ~215, followed by a new job that was stressful in august than add Grandma passing so a return trip to CA in September, Followed shortly by Grandpa's death in February 2012. I hit my max at 235lbs in November 2012.
November 2012- Finally got the mindset right Hard work and exercise, plus a No Carb diet had me down to ~208 in March. I have to work out in the morning or i don't always have the time or something comes up, so 5am is the only way to be conistent, it requires a 5 hour energies to get me out of bed though.
Went to Hawaii in April 2013 gained 10lbs and it took till about June to get it off, but i maintained that through to the end of July when i decided to see an Acupuncturist to help balance my hormones. She changed my diet hugely, i cut out all dairy, artificial sweeteners, no more 5hour Energys (there went my workouts, only organic every thing, juicing, no hormones/antibiotics in meats and eggs, i was starved for the first few weeks as i kept a log and she said i needed to start eating more. i lost another 15lbs in time for Sam's Wedding in August 2013. She started me on what is called Ezekiel Bread its just a sprouted grain bread that is more protein than carb, and then sweet potatoes. once she incorporated those i started maintaining, i should have known better No Carbs is the only way i have ever been able to drop anything.
My will power was amazing! I know it was straight from God. I could sit in a restaurant while my family all ate and i would drink my water and eat later because i knew i couldn't eat anything on their menu.
A quick but relevant back step, in June 2013 my Stepdaughter came to stay with us for the summer mostly me as my husband's job had him working out of state 3 weeks a month, she was 12 (13 in October), in August she became a permanent resident of our house. Relief in many ways only because we didn't know what we had bit off. I won't cover details and specifics; i don't have time and its not fair to those involved.
Back to fall 2013 My sweet little girl who had a wonderful sob story started showing her true colors. I am a stress eater, i wont deny that. If it wasn't for my will power i would have broken in late October. Thanksgiving (~193lbs) came around and i bought organic everything but also bought rolls and stuffing because my inlaws were coming. My stupid acupuncturist said its ok, enjoy try a little bit, i told her i can't i know me, there is no gray. She assured me i would be fine and encouraged me. I was great until i finally caved and had a roll and some stove top. i binged on it the left overs and struggled through christmas with the carb cravings, it was bad, i had just relapsed on my drug of choice, Breads.
I struggled hard since then, we went on vacation for the first time with the kiddo ever! for spring break, i was about 205lbs. the nice way to put it, she ruined it for everyone with attitude and behavior. i lost everything then, so much surprise planning went into this, like parents who tell their kids at the airport they are going to Disney. Thats when i let my misery in, and fully gave up. My will power never returned. Combine the rest of 2014 where my main priority was her being healthy and happy while hers was remaining angry and refusing anything that would change that. I was being abused by a manipulating teenager, not physically but the emotional damage i have gone through by her has crushed my spirit.
This blog isn't about her it is about me. I let me go and i didn't realize it. I know i have been wanting me back for quite some time, and i have been feeling ready to start again on fixing me. I am not one for new years resolutions when it comes to weight loss, that's like me saying i am going to blog everyday but this did happen around then. My mind has to be there and i have to be ready to commit. I was making changes before christmas, i wasn't all in but i was working hard to give everyone the me i used to be. I was working physically on me as well incorporating less Carbs, and essentially weeding out all the bad stuff in the house to remove temptation.
Christmas came, and mine sucked. New years came and i was still crying pretty much everyday. On January 4th 2015, i made the change. We sat down as a family and i told how i felt and why and then i told it how it was going to be. I am putting me first. not because it is new years but because i was done, done letting a now 14 year old control how she made me feel. i had been putting her first, trying to keep her mental health in order, he school, behavior, lies, and manipulations. I had realized i was letting her come first instead of making sure God came first. I always have relied on him but i was trying to help her instead of relying on God to help her. After that one conversation, i started to feel the balance come back, i didn't feel oppressed anymore, i joyously laughed the rest of the night as the weight on my soul was gone. I found me, now the next part, i have to clean up the mess i made of myself since vacation, because that's when i gave up.
So how do you undo almost 10 months of damage. Lots of prayer, i have had a rough start on the diet, it worked about 5/7 days during the week but i cave easily when someone wants to go out to eat and that has been a struggle. But i am Proud to say that I have curbed the Stress eating completely now. The hard part is i replaced that with retail therapy, I am serious. My Christmas sucked bad, and so i spent some good time on Amazon and too much time on ebay. The retail therapy is kicked now, i got it out of my system last week and i feel better.
Finally started getting my workouts in, today was the 3rd consecutive day where my butt was out of bed and i got 20-30 mins in. Sore as hell though. Diet is fully on track now.
So that brings me to today and why i wanted to start a blog/journal. i think i am chasing that idea of having my journey followed or recorded. This journey is going to start out about my weight loss, i will probably just be logging what i ate, what my workouts are and what i notice about my body. I guess the second hidden agenda that finally pushed me to commit to it is that i want to experiment with things; i guess we would call them gimmicks. My friend sells something called plexus and she has been losing weight with it over a few months. I want to try it as it is great for diabetics to balance their blood sugar. PCOS is like being borderline diabetic, it processes Carbs the same way, it stores them, hence my only results have been obtained with a no carb diet.
I am not a fitness professional or a medical one. I am confident no matter how i look, and have never been self conscious or even obsessed with my weight for Physical appearances. I don't see a reason i should stay this size, clothes fit better when i am smaller, i have more energy and i don't really want to get bigger. I do like looking good, especially in photos so as i can not see a reason to get bigger so it's time to start taking care of me. i am Gods temple after all :)
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